There is so many things I want to say right now. Many of these things I have held back from saying for the simple fear of what someone else would think or how someone else would view me as a person...and at this point I can honestly say that I don't give a rat's ass anymore. If you find yourself reading this and blushing a little afterwards...then don't say you were not warned to start with.

As a society, we have created a very cruel and less than fair place to exist. We punish a drunkard but we let a pedophile go free. What justice is found in that? What justice is found in shunning someone because they follow the guidelines and the examples which we created to begin with? I am sure that statement confused the hell out of some people so let me explain it to you. We, meaning every man and woman, have created this society filled with images of the perfect package outlined by a six pack abs, defined legs and a ripped chest....oh and don't forget the ass on which you can bounce quarters on! The less fortunate ones, and I am referring to myself, strive and hunger for this image to be what we are and we damn near kill ourselves to accomplish this. Some give up half way into the journey while others keep going knowing very well that this task will suck the life right out of you and leave you with very little sanity to hold onto. What we expect to find at the end of the journey is some Channing Tatum or Jessica Alba look alike standing there with arms wide open to catch us and make everything that has ever been wrong in our lives finally right and complete. Who in the gay hell are we fooling other than ourselves! What really happens is this: the cruel and shallow members of society won't even attempt to see past the first image they had of you or us thus creating a stereotype and a label which we carry for the rest of our lives. All of this snowballs into loneliness and bitterness and a sense of not being able to trust others much less open up to let anyone who gives a damn into our lives. So to you society I hold one hand with the finger in the air while I thumb through my iPod to find that song "Don't Rain On My Parade"!

Is there anyone out there that really knows what it is like to be rejected? Do you really know what that feeling is like? Let me explain it to you.....it is this gut wrenching pain that changes to shame and embarrassment because you do not fit into what someone else needs or in most cases what they are looking for at that given time. Then you go home, or you go for a drive and beat yourself up because of the way someone else has made you to feel. Rejection carries on through life to the point where you walk in the shadow of someone else because you are always the second choice in most situations. Yes....that is just like it was in elementary school when no one wanted to pick the fat kid for their dodge ball team. So do me a favor....when you stand there in the bathroom admiring your perfect body while thinking to yourself "Damn I am hot!", just for one minute step into our shoes...hell step into MY shoes and consider what it would be like to live a life where no one wants to touch you, no one wants to hold you, no one wants to lay with you on a sofa and enjoy a movie night, no one wants to be with you. When you lay in the bed at night with your eye candy and think to yourself...."they will never leave because they need me and my body"....just know, please let me tell you from the bottom of my broken and bitter heart that they will leave one day. Their departure might not be a willing one but they will eventually leave. How do I know this? I had someone long ago and I became so blinded to what really matters in life....I was blinded by this farce of bullshit that society has put out there.....I was blinded to the point that I missed my chance and I found myself standing before their body lying in their coffin then I watched as they lowered their body into the ground. Now when that day comes for you and you open your eyes to find yourself crying over your long gone eye candy please remember these words.....I TOLD YOU SO!

Does anyone know what an addiction is like? With my job I see addictions every day. I see people that will go to any extreme just to get that object and in most cases a drug that will fill some void in their lives. When the love of my life was taken from this earth it was almost like someone threw me into rehab....and no, I was not singing Ms. Winehouse's catchy little tune either...truth is I wanted to go, I wanted a change in my life. I wanted to be able to live a life of meaning, a life worth living. I didn't want any more secrets. I didn't want any more walls to live behind. It has been almost four years since all of this took place....and what am I doing? I am still living in the shadows, I am still holding my secrets like a steadfast poker player holds their cards. But I am tired....not just tired in the physical aspect, but I am tired in the emotional aspect, I am tired in my mind. In the last four years I have done without, stayed up at night to do for my children, I have cooked meals, ironed clothes, flat ironed hair, went out to buy the maxi pads, washed the dirty laundry, cried over a budget that did not make sense and I have kept those secret friends, I have avoided the questions of "what is your type? do you like blondes or red heads, big chest or flat chest?", I have worried about what he will think or what she will think, I have worried about "if my mother would be ashamed if someone was to ask her those three little words about me", I have had my thirty minutes of fulfillment in shame and secrecy.....and dammit I just cannot do it anymore. I am not going to fly some freak flag or paint my jeep with rainbows and smiley faces but by my God I am going to start today and not give three shits less about what anyone thinks! If I am really that bad of a person because I am not attracted to women and I desire the affection from the same sex then what in the gay hell is stopping anyone from putting the cross in my front yard and nailing my ass upon it! If you want to judge me...no one is stopping you. If you want to whisper in the corners about your speculations of what my children must go through by living with me then go right ahead because the door is always open when you feel so compelled to come to my home and do your inspection. You will be pleasantly shocked at what you really will find. This is me. This is my life. If you don't approve of it then just get the hell out of my life.

If you still feel the need to pass our your rejection cards...well that is okay too. Karma shug....it is called karma, and unless you have not heard lately...she is a ruthless bitch. I have less than four years until I will turn forty years old, and if it happens to be in my cards that I am doomed to be reinvented as the new forty year old virgin then so be it. But you can bet your ass that when the big four zero rolls around I will be rolling out of Tuesday Bigelow's office with no shame, but with a feeling of pride and accomplishment.

Now I know some of you people reading this are probably scratching your weaves because you do not understand a damn thing I said....well then let me make it simple for you. Brian is gay and Brian is not attracted to women. The simple truth is....certain parts of the female thorax actually scare the hell out of me. Stop, you are blushing aren't you!