There is so many things I want to say right now. Many of these things I have held back from saying for the simple fear of what someone else would think or how someone else would view me as a person...and at this point I can honestly say that I don't give a rat's ass anymore. If you find yourself reading this and blushing a little afterwards...then don't say you were not warned to start with.

As a society, we have created a very cruel and less than fair place to exist. We punish a drunkard but we let a pedophile go free. What justice is found in that? What justice is found in shunning someone because they follow the guidelines and the examples which we created to begin with? I am sure that statement confused the hell out of some people so let me explain it to you. We, meaning every man and woman, have created this society filled with images of the perfect package outlined by a six pack abs, defined legs and a ripped chest....oh and don't forget the ass on which you can bounce quarters on! The less fortunate ones, and I am referring to myself, strive and hunger for this image to be what we are and we damn near kill ourselves to accomplish this. Some give up half way into the journey while others keep going knowing very well that this task will suck the life right out of you and leave you with very little sanity to hold onto. What we expect to find at the end of the journey is some Channing Tatum or Jessica Alba look alike standing there with arms wide open to catch us and make everything that has ever been wrong in our lives finally right and complete. Who in the gay hell are we fooling other than ourselves! What really happens is this: the cruel and shallow members of society won't even attempt to see past the first image they had of you or us thus creating a stereotype and a label which we carry for the rest of our lives. All of this snowballs into loneliness and bitterness and a sense of not being able to trust others much less open up to let anyone who gives a damn into our lives. So to you society I hold one hand with the finger in the air while I thumb through my iPod to find that song "Don't Rain On My Parade"!

Is there anyone out there that really knows what it is like to be rejected? Do you really know what that feeling is like? Let me explain it to you.....it is this gut wrenching pain that changes to shame and embarrassment because you do not fit into what someone else needs or in most cases what they are looking for at that given time. Then you go home, or you go for a drive and beat yourself up because of the way someone else has made you to feel. Rejection carries on through life to the point where you walk in the shadow of someone else because you are always the second choice in most situations. Yes....that is just like it was in elementary school when no one wanted to pick the fat kid for their dodge ball team. So do me a favor....when you stand there in the bathroom admiring your perfect body while thinking to yourself "Damn I am hot!", just for one minute step into our shoes...hell step into MY shoes and consider what it would be like to live a life where no one wants to touch you, no one wants to hold you, no one wants to lay with you on a sofa and enjoy a movie night, no one wants to be with you. When you lay in the bed at night with your eye candy and think to yourself...."they will never leave because they need me and my body"....just know, please let me tell you from the bottom of my broken and bitter heart that they will leave one day. Their departure might not be a willing one but they will eventually leave. How do I know this? I had someone long ago and I became so blinded to what really matters in life....I was blinded by this farce of bullshit that society has put out there.....I was blinded to the point that I missed my chance and I found myself standing before their body lying in their coffin then I watched as they lowered their body into the ground. Now when that day comes for you and you open your eyes to find yourself crying over your long gone eye candy please remember these words.....I TOLD YOU SO!

Does anyone know what an addiction is like? With my job I see addictions every day. I see people that will go to any extreme just to get that object and in most cases a drug that will fill some void in their lives. When the love of my life was taken from this earth it was almost like someone threw me into rehab....and no, I was not singing Ms. Winehouse's catchy little tune either...truth is I wanted to go, I wanted a change in my life. I wanted to be able to live a life of meaning, a life worth living. I didn't want any more secrets. I didn't want any more walls to live behind. It has been almost four years since all of this took place....and what am I doing? I am still living in the shadows, I am still holding my secrets like a steadfast poker player holds their cards. But I am tired....not just tired in the physical aspect, but I am tired in the emotional aspect, I am tired in my mind. In the last four years I have done without, stayed up at night to do for my children, I have cooked meals, ironed clothes, flat ironed hair, went out to buy the maxi pads, washed the dirty laundry, cried over a budget that did not make sense and I have kept those secret friends, I have avoided the questions of "what is your type? do you like blondes or red heads, big chest or flat chest?", I have worried about what he will think or what she will think, I have worried about "if my mother would be ashamed if someone was to ask her those three little words about me", I have had my thirty minutes of fulfillment in shame and secrecy.....and dammit I just cannot do it anymore. I am not going to fly some freak flag or paint my jeep with rainbows and smiley faces but by my God I am going to start today and not give three shits less about what anyone thinks! If I am really that bad of a person because I am not attracted to women and I desire the affection from the same sex then what in the gay hell is stopping anyone from putting the cross in my front yard and nailing my ass upon it! If you want to judge me...no one is stopping you. If you want to whisper in the corners about your speculations of what my children must go through by living with me then go right ahead because the door is always open when you feel so compelled to come to my home and do your inspection. You will be pleasantly shocked at what you really will find. This is me. This is my life. If you don't approve of it then just get the hell out of my life.

If you still feel the need to pass our your rejection cards...well that is okay too. Karma shug....it is called karma, and unless you have not heard lately...she is a ruthless bitch. I have less than four years until I will turn forty years old, and if it happens to be in my cards that I am doomed to be reinvented as the new forty year old virgin then so be it. But you can bet your ass that when the big four zero rolls around I will be rolling out of Tuesday Bigelow's office with no shame, but with a feeling of pride and accomplishment.

Now I know some of you people reading this are probably scratching your weaves because you do not understand a damn thing I said....well then let me make it simple for you. Brian is gay and Brian is not attracted to women. The simple truth is....certain parts of the female thorax actually scare the hell out of me. Stop, you are blushing aren't you!

Randoms from a while back

I think there comes a point in time when you realize that you have moved past what I call a black cloud; but lately I find that my own life has spun into a never ending fast forward version of “Three Men and a Baby”….only my version would be “The single man with two teenage daughters”.

To some people, things in this life just come naturally and as easy as ordering a milkshake at Dairy Queen. Then to others it’s just like trying to pass a kidney stone! I would be one of those people, you know…trying to pass a kidney stone. Although I have to admit that the duties of being a single parent keep me grounded and keep things balanced. Huh? Did I just say that? Yes….it is true; these girls keep me grounded and level headed. I have a faint memory of the life in the fast lane, bar after bar, drink after drink, introductions that were planned out with hopes that someone…just anyone would wrap me up and say “who the crap are you and where have you been all of my life!” I have a damaged memory function from the many nights of searching for the object or the affection that would fill such an empty void in my life. But just the other day I was driving back to the office from lunch and I was listening to this song and these lyrics really caught my attention…”it’s been a long, long time since I’ve known the taste of freedom, and I’ve been looking for the sunshine…..everything is gonna be alright, it’s gonna be okay….” And I remembered after Michelle died and things began to fall back into place I would go through a daily thought process of wondering what I was going to do next, where I was going to find the good job at, where I was going to find the time to play the role of two parents, where I was going to live so that no one would ever harm my girls again, where I was going to find the money to take care of things in our home, where the food would come from…..and this thought process went on for the next few years until it eventually consumed my life and fueled me into a working machine that would not back down from anything. People came and went in our life; the desire for the affection from somebody was drowned out by the duties of raising two young girls. The rewards from physical fitness supplied the energy needed to keep up with my daily life. But also with these rewards also revealed a bitter truth, an ugly truth……..Before any of these things started happening I had a small sense of who I was and I was not afraid or ashamed to tell anyone my thoughts, my desires or my wishes. Suddenly I found myself hiding once more behind a wall built by standards which were created and established by society. It is almost like I have to live a secret life for fear that someone is going to pass judgment on me and the decisions I make every day. And the mere relationship between who I am and what society believes casts me into a category of ridicule and assumptions. For the past three years I have done my part in burying myself beneath this load and I have allowed society to do their part in the burial process. But I simply cannot continue to smother beneath this load! I am not a bad person. What harm is cast from someone who gives 200 percent of themselves to the duties of parenthood? What harm is done by someone who takes care of their home, pays their taxes, who is held accountable in the work place and does good for others? The harm is not there….but the ridicule is dished out by society because this person is not living by their standards and they have not conformed to the cookie cutter ideas which we have created. My biggest fear is that I will step out from behind this wall and remove this load from me just to have someone steal my children away. Just yesterday at lunch someone ask me….”are you always this quiet?” and I told them yes…until they get to know me I am a quiet person. I suppose it is a defense mechanism or something that I use to keep that wall as high as I can get it but at the same time I am desperate to climb out of this dungeon and breathe! The one true comfort I have comes from three sources….my children, my family and my very close friends. But even still, there is a burning desire for the affection and the interaction that most all adults have in their lives. As I said earlier….to some it comes so natural; but to others it is a daily battle. I doubt I will ever fully understand this and I can quite honestly say I don’t care if it ever makes sense or not. I am quite content with the place my life is in right now. Even when you start comparing the pros and cons of both situations…..there is nothing that can stack up to compare to what I have in my life. While others have the social life that operates much like swinging doors….I sit alone…..folding clothes, cleaning up chores that have not been finished, getting up at 5am to flat iron hair for school or church, ironing clothes, cooking meals and worrying if I have done enough for my children at the end of the day.

I can honestly say that years ago when I started my journey to become a more physically fit person….I had the thoughts that just maybe, just maybe someone would see the results of my work and I would catch their attention. And here it is ten years later…..I am nothing more than a common man, who is a father, who laughs…and yes I cry, who gets mad and who gets discouraged and I still have to hide behind the fears of “what if?” I extend the invitation of a friendship only to have it thrown back at me….and I laugh, and more than likely flip them off! Oh well…such is life.

And please do me this one favor….if you read this and you decide you want to give your well though opinion, have some class and some respect and email it rather than plastering it as a comment on here. Of course all is welcome to make their comments and share their opinions…..but don’t be shocked if you find yourself beneath where you think you should be in my circle of friends. Those that know me and know me well have already listened to my venting on this issue and they have already shown their compassion and concern.

The first!

First blog entry......way too many times I find myself with too much on my mind and most of which I want to say out loud; and yes...most of the time I end up saying the wrong thing! Imagine this.....a hamster on a wheel going nonstop twenty-four hours a day seven days a week! That's how my life is! Insane huh? Well.....I am not going to change any part of my life! I call it my sanity....my sanctuary, my balance.....it is my life. Once my mom said to me....."Brian I don't see how you have good sense at the end of the day because of all that you have to deal with in a given day....."....truth of the matter is I don't have good sense! I look at life like this.....sometimes it gets so cloudy and piled up much like the dust on the dining room table. You have a choice....either work yourself to death keeping the dust off or you be creative and doodle in the dust! I am too old to work that much and I am way too creative just to sit and feel sorry for myself!

Nothing new is really going on in life right now. The girls are doing well. Haylie is back in therapy and seems to be doing really well. Hope is growing up way too fast.....man sometimes it is like I am having a conversation with a twenty year old! I am very proud of both of my girls. A close friend of mine gave me a book for Haylie to read....I don't recall the name of the book but it is directed toward young women to help them boost their self image and help them to understand basic issues which most young women have to face. One night after I gave the book to Haylie, she came to me and said...."Daddy, I don't think this book is meant for me to read...." and I ask her why then she replied....."well, right here it ask a question 'how do you feel about your breasts?'" so I ask Haylie...."well, answer the question. How do you feel about them?" and she said "I DON'T LIKE THEM!" HAHA! So I ask her why and she said....."because they are too big!" So there ya go Haylie....that is your answer!

I learned some disturbing news this afternoon.....a friend from school named Tammy found out that her cancer is back. I don't really know the details....but the person telling me followed this up with "and she is pregnant too"....wow, talk about when it rains it pours! I couldn't imagine what her family must be going through......

Ok, this is going to be a short blog. I took a b12 shot tonight and I have way too much energy to be sitting here! Plus I have chicken to marinate, clothes to fold, podcasts to catch up on, scrubs to iron.....oh yeah....it is going to be a long night!