Randoms from a while back

I think there comes a point in time when you realize that you have moved past what I call a black cloud; but lately I find that my own life has spun into a never ending fast forward version of “Three Men and a Baby”….only my version would be “The single man with two teenage daughters”.

To some people, things in this life just come naturally and as easy as ordering a milkshake at Dairy Queen. Then to others it’s just like trying to pass a kidney stone! I would be one of those people, you know…trying to pass a kidney stone. Although I have to admit that the duties of being a single parent keep me grounded and keep things balanced. Huh? Did I just say that? Yes….it is true; these girls keep me grounded and level headed. I have a faint memory of the life in the fast lane, bar after bar, drink after drink, introductions that were planned out with hopes that someone…just anyone would wrap me up and say “who the crap are you and where have you been all of my life!” I have a damaged memory function from the many nights of searching for the object or the affection that would fill such an empty void in my life. But just the other day I was driving back to the office from lunch and I was listening to this song and these lyrics really caught my attention…”it’s been a long, long time since I’ve known the taste of freedom, and I’ve been looking for the sunshine…..everything is gonna be alright, it’s gonna be okay….” And I remembered after Michelle died and things began to fall back into place I would go through a daily thought process of wondering what I was going to do next, where I was going to find the good job at, where I was going to find the time to play the role of two parents, where I was going to live so that no one would ever harm my girls again, where I was going to find the money to take care of things in our home, where the food would come from…..and this thought process went on for the next few years until it eventually consumed my life and fueled me into a working machine that would not back down from anything. People came and went in our life; the desire for the affection from somebody was drowned out by the duties of raising two young girls. The rewards from physical fitness supplied the energy needed to keep up with my daily life. But also with these rewards also revealed a bitter truth, an ugly truth……..Before any of these things started happening I had a small sense of who I was and I was not afraid or ashamed to tell anyone my thoughts, my desires or my wishes. Suddenly I found myself hiding once more behind a wall built by standards which were created and established by society. It is almost like I have to live a secret life for fear that someone is going to pass judgment on me and the decisions I make every day. And the mere relationship between who I am and what society believes casts me into a category of ridicule and assumptions. For the past three years I have done my part in burying myself beneath this load and I have allowed society to do their part in the burial process. But I simply cannot continue to smother beneath this load! I am not a bad person. What harm is cast from someone who gives 200 percent of themselves to the duties of parenthood? What harm is done by someone who takes care of their home, pays their taxes, who is held accountable in the work place and does good for others? The harm is not there….but the ridicule is dished out by society because this person is not living by their standards and they have not conformed to the cookie cutter ideas which we have created. My biggest fear is that I will step out from behind this wall and remove this load from me just to have someone steal my children away. Just yesterday at lunch someone ask me….”are you always this quiet?” and I told them yes…until they get to know me I am a quiet person. I suppose it is a defense mechanism or something that I use to keep that wall as high as I can get it but at the same time I am desperate to climb out of this dungeon and breathe! The one true comfort I have comes from three sources….my children, my family and my very close friends. But even still, there is a burning desire for the affection and the interaction that most all adults have in their lives. As I said earlier….to some it comes so natural; but to others it is a daily battle. I doubt I will ever fully understand this and I can quite honestly say I don’t care if it ever makes sense or not. I am quite content with the place my life is in right now. Even when you start comparing the pros and cons of both situations…..there is nothing that can stack up to compare to what I have in my life. While others have the social life that operates much like swinging doors….I sit alone…..folding clothes, cleaning up chores that have not been finished, getting up at 5am to flat iron hair for school or church, ironing clothes, cooking meals and worrying if I have done enough for my children at the end of the day.

I can honestly say that years ago when I started my journey to become a more physically fit person….I had the thoughts that just maybe, just maybe someone would see the results of my work and I would catch their attention. And here it is ten years later…..I am nothing more than a common man, who is a father, who laughs…and yes I cry, who gets mad and who gets discouraged and I still have to hide behind the fears of “what if?” I extend the invitation of a friendship only to have it thrown back at me….and I laugh, and more than likely flip them off! Oh well…such is life.

And please do me this one favor….if you read this and you decide you want to give your well though opinion, have some class and some respect and email it rather than plastering it as a comment on here. Of course all is welcome to make their comments and share their opinions…..but don’t be shocked if you find yourself beneath where you think you should be in my circle of friends. Those that know me and know me well have already listened to my venting on this issue and they have already shown their compassion and concern.